Trapped in the castle tower…

I know that my solitude is, to a certain degree, a self imposed one but I feel like I’m waiting for someone too rescue me, if only to show that I am on the mind of another. Some people are told that they matter on a regular basis and they take it for granted.

I am not one of those people.

When you don’t tell people they matter from time to time, they begin to think they don’t matter. In marriages, they say it’s one of the most important things. Why don’t they talk about how much it matters to everyone else.

Too easy to love

I love too easily, and it leads me down the road of broken hearts far more often than I would like.

The hard realization is that not only do I not love myself, I don’t even like myself. They say you need to love yourself before you can love someone else and I guess they’re right. How would I recognize my love for another person. How could I recognize love at all.

So I guess I don’t really love easily. I don’t know what it is but even if it was love I wouldn’t know it.

I am not in control

It’s been a week, a week since I’ve had even a resemblance of a normal night’s sleep. In the last two days I’ve been unable to leave my house and have missed my psychiatrist appointment, my SITP meetup and my Biology final. I was also forced to drop out of participating in publishing my first peer review paper and a trip to Kobe, Japan for an immunology conference next week.

My anxiety has control over me. I know that it’s because I’m having to change my meds but that fact doesn’t matter right now.

I’m frustrated that I have a brain that makes me yearn for knowledge but stops me from being able to achieve my dreams. Sometimes when I tell people that I’m on disability they look at me funny. Most of the time I forget how bad I can get and I feel guilty for not having a job and supporting myself. Nights like tonight I feel no more able to get out of bed than Stephen Hawking is.

I don’t type this for sympathy, comfort or encouraging words. Instead, I do it so that when a person tells you they have anxiety and you might not quite understand what it’s like, think of me today, lying in bed for the 8th straight day as life literally passes me by.